Dear Eden answers her most ridiculous questions yet

Hey, chumps and chumpettes.

I know it's been a while since you got any good (or bad) advice from me, but that's because none of you suckers has had the balls to ask me any questions and I got tired of waiting.

But finally, thanks to some weird advertising Sam Sinister's been doing, I've got questions again. Questions that are worse than anything I've had to answer before, but work is work. I miss telling people what to do, and frankly, these losers could use a word or two from me.

So without further stalling for time, here's some "wisdom."

Q:
"I have several girls trying to sleep with and I have a girlfriend....whats the best way to fuck all them?"
-Mad Dog

A:
First of all, mister, I've already had to use my imagination in trying to make your question work semantically, and we all know how I feel about that, so you're already in the doghouse, as they say, with me. Haha. Mad Dog. Doghouse. Laugh, I'm funny.

As for the question, no matter what you do, you're already fucking all of them, even if you're not fucking them, get it? Especially your girlfriend, whose name and number I'd like, please, so I can inform her to get tested for STDs and kick your sorry ass to the curb.

That's right, Mad Dog, I will not give you advice on how to be a promiscuous little asshole. There are enough of them out there and I will not be responsible for making another. I'm sure you've got plenty of dog-brained male friends who can steer you in that direction, and I'm not one of them. Here's what I suggest, with as little judging as I can muster (you're really stretching my limits here, though):

1. Lose the girlfriend.
If you want to sleep with anyone other than her, you don't need her and you'd be lying if you said you cared about her, loved her, blah blah blah.
Fuck the excuses. If you want anyone else, you shouldn't have a girlfriend (unless this is an open relationship, but I'm assuming by the need to ask me for advice that it isn't).

If you care about her or the "relationship," you wouldn't be asking me how to sleep with "several other girls" (I'm taking your word for this -- you're probably just a greedy little nerd pretending for the sake of the question that more than one girl wants you -- you should probably just settle for what you can get -- But now I'm getting mean and I said I'd try not to).

Once you're single, you can sleep with whomever you want, but I really suggest doing this one girl at a time. No man -- I'm going to repeat this, but take note here -- no man can successfully sleep with more than one girl at a time.

This bears repeating and capital letters and underlines and bells and whistles.

NO MAN CAN SUCCESSFULLY SLEEP WITH MORE THAN ONE GIRL AT A TIME.*

Oh, he might think he's successful. He might be playing four girls for chumps and getting awesome sex with no attachment out of the deal, but it won't last, and in the end, he'll be the one with his dick covered in herpes, at the very least.

Let me tell you why.

Men can't just be truthful about wanting to sleep around. They have to lie and pretend that each girl they're fucking is someone they care about. This is a lie, and if it weren't, he wouldn't be fucking anyone else. So before you retort, Mad Dog, and tell me you can care about someone and fuck someone else, too, and tell them you care about them, you may THINK you're telling the truth, but the fact is, you're not. And you most likely know you're not, so shut up anyway.

Anyway, all of these girls that you're lying to and saying, "I like you so much, I don't want anyone else" to in order to get them in bed, are separate, as far as you know. Let me repeat that: AS FAR AS YOU KNOW. This is a very small world, and chances are, you're fucking girls within your own circle of friends, and, I'm sorry, dude, I don't care how tight you think you and your boys are, that knowledge is all over the place and before a month is out all of those girls will know you're fucking all of them and not just one. And they're really not lying when they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Especially if those women are friends. Because let's face it, chances are, you're not sexy or smart or cool or whatever enough to come between those girls -- they're going to blame you for being a slut and team up against you. Once this happens, God help you, because I certainly wouldn't. You'll be lucky to escape with your penis in your hand, if at all.

Now, if the girls don't know each other, you're safer, but not completely, because the internet makes stalking easy and deep down (ok, not even so deep, really) inside every girl is a stalker, and all it takes is one comment on your MySpace to let the cat out of the bag and there goes at least one of your conquests, if that one keeps her mouth shut. Even women who don't know each other will team up to get back at a lying, cheating man, so even if you think you're keeping your whoring anonymous and safe, it's probably still going to come back to bite you in the ass.

No man is smart enough to play this off for long. Especially someone who calls themselves "Mad Dog." "Sly Fox," maybe, but mad dogs don't know their noses from their tails and that always gets them into trouble. So, if I were you, mister, I'd stick with one chick at a time. Especially if you feel you have to lie to get into her pants -- it is a fact that some girls want to have meaningless sex, too, and they don't need to be told they're special to hop into bed with you. So if you're gonna whore around, at least be honest, because I'm not even touching on how bad it feels to be lied to and what those girls will go through if they thought you liked them and then found out you're a lying jerk. Those poor bastards.

Stick to what you know. If you're happy with the girlfriend, keep her and be thankful she's yours. If not, ditch her and sleep with hot girls one at a time, and not under false pretenses (lies). If you want to tell your friends stories about how you're juggling 4 girls and they all think you're the only one for them, just lie to the guys. It'll be easier and they have no way to prove you wrong, and you probably won't get crabs or restraining orders. Your friends lie about their sex lives, too, trust me. Men are easily amused.

As a final note, no matter what you do, who you do, or how many you do, WEAR A CONDOM. First of all, the clap is no laughing matter and that would seriously put a damper on your future romances. Second, the world is overpopulated enough and we don't need anymore damn babies in the world. And trust me, you are not equipped to handle a pregnant woman -- don't even try. This also fucks your romances as, if she decides to have the child, you're pretty much it's dad whether you wanna be or not, and that screws you, her, the kid, AND the world, SO WEAR A RUBBER!

And if you don't follow my advice and do what you do and end up a deadbeat dad or a Loreena Bobbit wannabe headline, you can't say I didn't warn you.

Say it with me now, "Eden warned me."

Very good.

That's all I've got for you, Mad Dog. Good luck...and if you have some spare time between women, take a grammar class or two.


*This also goes for women, but that's not today's issue. Women are actually worse at it.

[end of question 1]

Question 2:
"If I am a male an a virgin and I put in a girls butt that's also a virgin does it count? Thanks for the help."
-Hutch

This question is more poorly worded, but also easier to answer.

The very simple answer is, "No."

If your dick doesn't go into her vagina, you're both still virgins. Especially her. You might have a case in the homosexual community, but she's definitely still a virgin. Stay safe, use lots of lube (for her sake), and best of luck to both of you.

P.S. You can still get STDs from her butt, so you might want to wear a rubber...

In fact -- Everyone, wear rubbers!

Stop the spread of disease (and humanity) and sock your cock.

That is definitely all I've got today.

I'd say send me more questions, but... this caliber of question is starting to scare me...

I'm out.

<3 Eden

Older 'Dear Eden' posts...

• How many days should I wait to change my underwear? And how many pairs of underwear do you think is the best number of pairs to own?
• What is kgb besides a shitty commercial? And why can't you be kgb?
• Why aren't you answering me right this second? I thought you were kgb.
• Why are there only 3 M&M's on Keebler M&M cookies?
• Why can't I buy beer if I am 19, even though I'm legal for everything else?
• Any tips for approaching respectable alternative-minded femmes and not seeming like a total creep? I pretty much don't even know where to start.

ABOUT DEAR EDEN

This, my good chums, is the Dear Eden column, where I, Eden, will personally answer all of your questions about life, love, music, politics, movies, relationship/family dysfunctions, and any other inane question you, the advice seeker, may come up with.

Unlike Dear Abby, I will not sugarcoat my answers to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. I will tell you how I see your situation and what I think you should do. I may also make fun of you, but don't take it personally because I make fun of everyone, even myself (and what a loser she is, too!)

But please note one thing: Just because I tell you to do something, whether sarcastically or seriously, YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO IT. I really don't think this even needs to be said, but some sad sacks take the advice they get from columns or talk shows as the stone truth and follow it to the letter, even if it makes their problems worse. I am hoping against hope that you ANC readers are not like that, but I like to make things clear before starting any relationship and I don't want to get blamed for any unethical, painful, or illegal actions my readers may take.

That being said, bring on the questions. I've got my sleeves rolled up and my hair tied back and I'm ready to tell you what to do.

Send all questions to the email listed in my profile, bleachededen@gmail.com. Make sure your subject line says "to Dear Eden" or "Dear Eden" or "question for Dear Eden" or something to that effect so I know you aren't a spammer trying to get me to send all my money to Nigeria.

In the immortal words of Pat Benatar, "Hit me with your best shot."

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Eden